 Funny QuotesHere's a collection of some of my favourite funny quotes. When your arms feel tired from juggling kids, family, work, friends and the other countless things that make up your to-do list, take a break and read these funny quotes. I believe if you're not laughing you're crying. But if you feel like crying, you may as well cry from laughter. And you can quote me on that.
Enjoy These Funny QuotesEverything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.--Will Rogers My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow. A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke. I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. More Funny QuotesWhy get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?--Carrie Snow Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. How young can you die of old age? An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you. Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were. Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone? Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal! Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man. If you think you’re too small to make a difference, you’ve never been in bed with a mosquito. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
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